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These jokers who refuse to wear masks or practice social distancing piss me off. I run into them mostly at the hardware store–the locals seem to be wearing masks, but these guys think etiquette and prevention efforts don’t apply to them.

Understand, I’m a pretty nondescript senior, mousy hair–eyeglasses. I’d never be suspected. And the scenario is so common, I’ve experienced the opportunity several times already. So here’s the plan:

I’m in the hardware, probably looking at hose sprayers. The damn things break all the time, and there must be a dozen different styles, each as cheap and junky as the next. It’s also an item that many folks need early in the season. One of these maskless jokers ambles up the aisle, and stands, just a hair too close, looking at hose and irrigation supplies. From behind my mask, I nod, politely. He nods back–maybe even smiles. I select, and inspect several items, quietly clearing my throat. I inspect and reject several sprayers, carefully hanging them back on their designated hooks. He’s rummaging through the irrigation parts.

I cough, just a quiet little cough at first. He doesn’t even look up. Then I really start coughing, sucking for air between, my arm reaching out for balance. Without any real intention, except to stabilize myself, I grab his sleeve. Now the coughs are wracked and serious. Gasping for air, I reach up and pull away my mask, sinking to my knees as I do so. By now, I’m pretty sure he’s wrenched himself free, and fled. If not, I reach out and clasp his hand and gasp, “Help me.” The payoff for me is the look on his face as he realizes I may have just delivered a high-speed, viral load.

There. I’m sure that’ll do it. The same thing could be done at the grocery store, or the local 7-11. Anywhere folks think the rules don’t apply to them. Consider it performance art.